BEA.ST

in evolution
writings about the process…

archive for June, 2009

spiritual diary 2oo9.o6.3o

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i am future-centric.
in the balance of my energies between past/present/future,
i do not harbor much energy in the past. i think i probably
sit pretty well with the past. i use it but do not lament it, etc.
am not guilty about it.

the present is hard for me to stay within, often. but i can do
it when doing activities i’m used to. meditation magnifies this
incapability greatly but i do see the potential to change this
over time – mostly due to changing my daily habit as well;
finish whatever you start before going on to the next thing. i often
see myself using 20 different computer programs at the same
time, no exaggeration. there’s no way this helps my brain lock
in and focus on one thing, no matter how much time i spend
meditating in the morning.

i am constantly doing little things and thinking about the future,
anxiety is there but subtle. anyway. when meditating i often
get very excited about being able to write things down from
the meditation. this keeps me from being in the moment a
good deal of time during the meditation!

spiritual diary 2oo9.o6.27

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15 minutes

the first thing i realized is that even when my eyes are closed, i can exert eye dominance.
that was an interesting realization – i am left-eye dominant, even when looking at the inner wall of my eyelid. i can switch dominant focus while keeping eyes closed. weird.

sitting and posture are once again important. thinking about my back takes away attention.

one of the biggest problems with focus is the unyielding desire to make sure that any thought that comes up in my head is not forgotten, is recorded, etc. i’ve been in a constant state of recording and i’m loathe to let that go, let any thought go. right now i keep a notepad by me to write one word to trigger writing things. but what i should be doing eventually is just letting go of the thoughts.

the thought of an interval clock keeps coming back. right now if i average like 1 minute mind-off lost focus, then i can have an alarm go every 30 seconds and it should do more good than harm. correct?
eventually the interval can be raised to the full meditation time?

all day i jump around from one thing to another – like every 15 seconds, almost literally. no matter how much i focus on anything during meditation, if that’s the habit the rest of the 23.75 hours of the day [literally about 1% of my day meditating], there’s no way i will get my focus back. i need to start focusing on one thing at a time, when i do it, i do it, and it’s done. i’m usually watching a video while emailing while im’ing while writing something. not really acceptable, if the goal is focus and clarity. the day must in some way echo the meditation…

spiritual diary 2oo9.o6.26

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2009.06.26
10 minutes

having a hard time focusing. last night some stuff w eric not fully thought through, and feeling weird about some distance with lauren, that might all be in my head. in some sense everything is in your head but then again, there’s also reality!

i’ve been worried about my heart. truly a testament to how much the mind can fuck with the body – if i think about it i’ll start getting anxious; don’t know where that came from. but had it years ago for a while – both times told i have a somewhat abnormal EKG, which sucks, but that it hasn’t really changed in 4 years, which makes it less of a cause of concern.

would an interval clock help meditate? like, if every 30 seconds it buzzed really briefly, it would recenter me if i was trailing off. would it be an interruption or would it most of the time catch me just thinking about stuff- in which case maybe it would be useful. maybe eventually you could make the time interval larger and larger as you became able to hold focus. maybe that’s step one?

i am constantly bothered that i am unable to match my abilities for focus that i had 10 years ago when i last tried this. constantly frustrating.

i am bothered by some small things. i don’t know why yet – but i constantly assume other people are going to be just as bothered as i would be, if i bring up little things. so things like tweaking a website, asking someone to do something little, etc.. all get to me. i don’t like asking people to do things like that…

these things made me almost completely unable to focus today.

spiritual diary 2oo9.o6.25

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2009.06.25
15 minutes

the goal seems to be to create ever-widening outer loops. maybe at some point this system just rails, but right now i can see some cascading outer loops that would form over time. the more i become conscious of the forces keeping me from clarity of mind, the easier this becomes. so, what are my current issues?

when i notice that my mind has left it’s clarity, it tends to go to certain things. most immediately seem to be things like pain or hunger – indicating the extreme importance of things like yoga or other sources of proper posture for yoga [so that the body can remain still without getting noisy itself], and having some breakfast before meditating, instead of after.. it was 9:45 by the time i meditated and i hadn’t eaten since 8pm the night before.

i over-intellectualize. i am drastically on the side of intellectualizing everything in my path.

– when i listen to music, i decompose it by structure, harmony, notes – i try to transcribe it in my head all the time. this keeps me from direct experience.
– when i have a relationship with problems in it, those problems become a source of intellectualization. often times in the past when problems are not around, i do not just let the emotional positiveness dominate; instead i try to analyze situations and this pulls me from direct experience of the other person.
– when i have sex, i see myself often analyzing the situation and thinking about what i should/could/etc be doing. this pulls me away from direct experience, not to mention can get me inside my head enough that i can’t even enjoy the process. maybe this is the allure of some drugs.
– i intellectualize the intellectualization process. i will have thoughts and then ruminate on whether those thoughts could be just creations of my mind, instead of actual real experiences. recently i’ve been worried a lot about my heartbeat – sometimes it is beating quite quickly, and i worry about it beating quickly instead of settling down, and this causes me to keep my heartrate up for long periods of time, just worrying about it. i can’t even tell if it’s a real experience/problem, or if it’s in my head. so i go back and forth from worrying about it to thinking it’s fine, back and forth..

i’m sure there are more. the point is, the main thoughts that enter my head, once i get past things like hunger, seem to always revolve around intellectualizing a situation; analyzing situations, breaking them down.

spiritual diary, 2oo9.o6.24

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If I do this every day, what will my entry be like in one year?

1. 15 minutes in maine. so much noise. trying counting breaths to 10 to see if i’m actually keeping focus on just the one thing, but constantly getting to 4 or so and realizing that i have been thinking about something completely else that has dominated my thought so much that the count just stopped for 20 seconds.

2. 10 minutes. much better about the general noise.. used counting to 10 breaths as a general technique to help at least focus down on one thing instead of no-thing.. started regularly getting to 10 without a large problem. so spent some of the time going back to zero focus. thoughts of stuff i had to do kept entering.

a great line from wildmind.org:
“Our inner self-talk, as well as generating or reinforcing unhelpful emotions, also has the effect of keeping us at a relatively superficial level of our experience. We get so wrapped up in what we’re saying to ourselves inside our heads that we often don’t really notice what’s going on in the heart, the body, or even in the outside world.”

“It is the childlike part of you that feels a profound wonder at the mystery that anything is, and – even more mysteriously – that you can be aware of it.”

My big question today is, how can we discern something as good or bad, if in some sense that’s an artificial judgement, but at the same time, we can say that we are moving somewhere when we practice meditation? Is it to develop ‘dynamic range’? What is ‘good’? Are things inherently good or bad, or not? What am I practicing when I meditate, if not to get ‘better’ at something.

As I over-intellectualize things, I make a trade – a substitution, for intellectual understanding instead of direct experience. In some sense it creates this separation from experience.

“And eventually, or so the sages tell us, we’ll learn to be utterly comfortable with discomfort, we’ll be able to accept the uncertain nature of the universe as a gift.”

Mutation represents opportunity.

keep spiritual diary you will evolve quickly

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as one of jay’s swami’s used to say, ‘keep spiritual diary you will evolve quickly.’ in order to gauge my progress with meditation and other matters of the self, i am logging them here. this thread should represent daily notes on meditation attempts, and thoughts about meditation. here we go.

Hello process!

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I currently believe that all we are is the process. We are all in evolution. This is mine. Feedback enables control. Hopefully documentation will enable me to see my own progress through time, and will apply to others as well.

 

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