assorted times around austria
more than any individual instance of meditation, the thing i am noticing most is that i can see myself more. i am conscious of my-self in more situations. working on an art project [with unsolvable problems]. calling verizon to pay a phone bill and needing to talk to a computer for 35 minutes to get to a human being [which three years ago would’ve driven me insane]. being in group situations [and seeing everyone seeing themselves, and me see myself]. being in one on one situations. i’ll say things and i’ll immediately say to myself, ‘why did i say that thing, what is it about my underlying ego or sense of self that wants to put that thought out there’ and then the conversation will take a turn for the better, because i will consciously shift my internal attitude. or i’ll think things and then jump out of the thought pattern immediately, wondering why my brain would travel down that road. questioning.
i find myself holding on less. in some weird way you could almost say i care less, but that’s not accurate. it’s just, i see more that in some sense, it’s all the same. things come and go. it’s more important to appreciate that ebb and flow than to be tied to any specific point on the path. to be tied to motion instead of level. we are all changing all the time, situations, our context, all in constant change. if everything is better or worse, doesn’t that mean sometimes there must be pain? but if instead, the value is on change, is on motion, there is no necessary downward renormalization. everything can be positive.
the phrase ‘absolute value’ has a real depth to it on many levels.