BEA.ST

in evolution
writings about the process…

archive for October, 2009

spiritual diary 22.1o.2oo9

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3o minutes, many times

I’ve been reading a lot lately in my new copious free time. In some sense I’ve been so busy reading and processing these thoughts that I’ve not written – that and questioning my motives for writing in the first place. Is writing about development an ego-based desire? If it connects with some people and helps others get through similar situations, is the desire to help selfless or selfish, to desire to be the helper? Anyway, that led to a short hiatus. I think being aware that that can be an issue is enough. Watch it, and see what happens.

One book I can’t recommend enough is ‘Mindfulness in Plain English,’ recommended to me by my friend Carla. Written by Ven. Henepola Gunaratana, I found this the most lucid account, a handbook of sorts, into the practice of Vipassana meditation. In a matter of 120 pages it covers the why, the how, the ‘what will get you stuck and how to get past it’, and even the long term effects, beyond the practical. It spoke deeply to me and helped me understand the process better, and I hope it reaches anyone reading this.

I have many more books to talk about, but one at a time…

spiritual diary 2oo9.1o.o5 monkey mind

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assorted in europe
2 30-minute sessions today

i am slowly realizing that my self is defined by thinking. i am not attached to objects for my identity, but to thinking itself. on top of the ego’s normal need to think, to itemize, to categorize, my identity in relationships with others has still been defined by thinking– this is true since I was probably about 7 years old, when I was asked to play ‘beat the calculator’ in class during free time. So, I feel now I have double duty to face — I am not attached to normal things in the outside world, but thinking pervades my every existence, my every process. My typical meditation, for example today:

the upcoming bikeride path for the meeting
… breathe
what will the book title be
… breathe
alternate possible bike route
thinking about thinking as a child
… breathe
i am totally identified with thinking
… breathe
… breathe
my childhood provided positive feedback on thought – once my social identity was defined at 6 by thinking, it has been unrestrained – and because it was my identity, is still my identity, it has been subject to positive feedback for 25 years, basically unrestrained. and so my happiness in situations is now dependent on my current state of thinking – flow is the common experience of happiness only because it is my easiest path, because i am so dominated by thinking; but flow itself is such a limited path to the general path of happiness
… breathe
no i cannot take the time to focus on breathing i need to figure this out and write it all down
… breathe, you can write this later
no i have to get to the bottom of this
… breathe, just breathe and you can figure this out later
… breathe

and then the alarm goes off. talk about monkey mind.

 

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